Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’
“This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
“Hi.I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”
“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”
“If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”
“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
*The above are official International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
Hi, we have everything we need and we spent all of our money getting it,
so if you need money you’d better call someone else.
Hi, you have just contacted outer space, yes, outer space, don’t be
afraid of what is about to happen to you. All you have to do is breathe
deeply and it will be over in just a few seconds. WOW, now that didn’t
hurt did it?
“Hi. I’m screening my calls right now because there are some people I don’t want to talk to. So, leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you as long as you’re not one of them.”
“Would you say something? I can’t read minds.”
“Look, I’ve had a really bad day. Yesterday too. And tomorrow doesn’t look nearly as good. But, uh, if you want, go ahead and say a few words after the gunshot.”
“I’ll pick up if you’re quick. Times up.”
“You have reached the number that you have dialed, but I
have made some changes in my life. Leave a message and if
I dont call you back then your one of them.”
If you know of any others that should be added to this list, please send them to me.